...continued madness.....

Hello Again.

Since yesterday afternoon , when I started rambling nonsense about space and atoms, I have continued to confuse myself to the point where I hope I can now be calm. After attempting to sleep for quite some time last night I was forced to eventually get up, put on a light and sit in an early morning trance.

I get fairly obsessive about a lot of things, loose a lot of sleep and look grizzly for days on end, but these are usually things like recording music, my own personal future, experience and relationships with others. But over the last couple of days increasing thoughts about the size of the universe and such like has pushed my craziness buttons to new extremes. But in the end, out of all of this I think surprisingly what I have come away with is a slight opening towards religion.

I can't get my head around the idea of something being infinite, so lean towards the idea that this universe or cosmos even, I dunno really, having had a start. And I suppose ultimately having an end. But what starts EVERYTHING? If the universe started with the big bang, with a tiny pin sized spec that contained the means and tools to create everything just blowing up and expanding beyond reason, then what made it start. I have read some other theories about how it might have all kicked off, but with every new one I have to keep asking why the first action happened, I feel like a four year old child, constantly repeating myself. Maybe something did intentionally start it all, a creator? But it's nigh on impossible to take in any idea of an overall god when the religions we are fed these days consist of fairy tales and huge amounts of utter nonsense.

I think I may have settled down a bit now, with every thought coming to a dead-end I have to give up, I am never going to have the means to go back billions of years to see the start of it all, to ask questions back then, and in my life time I wont ever be able to travel to the furthest reaches of the universe to see whats going on there. It's a bit of a nuisance, but one we all have to suffer. Human life looks to be a tiny ink dot on the long, long rope of time, so we just have to fire on with it. All we appear to have for certain are our senses, keep them all happy and tingling for as long as we are alive, then maybe we'll get some answers when we croak, or maybe the lights will just go out forever, we will never know. But thankfully the thing that turns me on the most is music, and I get to make it and perform it so I can be a happy little beaver for now.

At least I now have a hobby when I'm not playing music. Part-time geek.

xxx

Screaming at the stars

Hello.

I have come to the conclusion that science is not good for my mind. Learning any new interesting scientific issue always seems to take me one step closer to madness. But sadly I'm hooked. I am Amy Whinehouse and physics is my crack.



At school I never really gave a shit about it, dropping all subjects as soon as I had the chance, but these days I find myself drawn to every late night documentary with a hint of a geek factor and buy New fucking Scientist magazine most Fridays. I have a thirst, not so much for learning equations and the likes (E=Mc etc etc is as far as I go), but for the ideas and facts. I recently discovered that there is a planet in another solar system that is bigger than Jupiter but due to its mass it could easily float on water. THAT'S FUCKING NUTS. When you think about it, it really boggles.



I often go into these loops of thought about how fucking massive the universe is and daft unmanageable issues like that, compare them to the insignificant shite in every day life, then decide that I am in fact a massive bollock. We may be small, but in context to our lives, the things we go through (imagination, love, death, murder etc) are huge and are really the only things that matter. I'm more than likely never going to get to try and float a planet on an ocean for a giggle, so might as well stick to plain old beer and sexual unfulfilment. I could twat on for days about this shite, but as I say to begin with, I feel it would send me proper mental.



Once again BBC4 has played it's part in my wanderings. Tuesdays nights recently have been comprised of two main TV shows for me, Visions of The Future and The Martians and Us (I think that's what its called anyway). Last night on Visions of The Future there was talk of creating these Nano-bot devices out of a tiny number of atoms, these were little machines that could be injected into our blood streams to target diseases and combat general ill-health, really really small things that could be controlled by man, inside the body, made from the atoms of bacteria and such like. The benefits of these were huge, but as usual there is a massive downside. Something so powerful could easily be used for weapons, super advanced chemical warfare destroying us cell by cell. Or alternatively, like all bactertia, these Nano-bots could multiply until they consumed all living cells on earth. Its a horrible dilemma, advancing the human race, as well as putting us in extreme danger. I guess it's more of a human nature issue, we are right bastards when it comes down to it, and will find destructive qualities in all advances.
The other show is all about the history of British Sci-fi, so I find myself now wandering book shops looking for odd books about Utopian societies on far away planets. Every idea raised confuses and excites me in equal measure, most probably due to my own naivete or lack of knowledge.

X

Bloody bloody....

His lip began to quiver
as he gave in to rage
and spilled a million white cells
across a blackened page
He seen this as the answer
to questions always asked
He'd find perfect couplet
by tearing out his heart