I wish I had no penis, no sexual drives, or motives, and no alluring qualities to others. I wish I was incapable of love and hate and all the sparks in between. These cause mental loops that bend logic and position. I want to like people, a middle ground, get along in the nice world where I could be content.
I feel like that guy from the first Matirx film, the one who wanted to be wired back into the dreamworld and not remember a thing. Ignorance. Bliss.
I wish I could stop chasing stupid dreams, not have to be someone I'm never going to be. I wish I didn't have to rely on anyone else. I want to worry about debts and and homes and work. I want to get drunk at the weekend with drunken friends who talk about sport, TV and breast, but nothing deeper, without actually being dependant on alcohol.
I wish I could throw a punch without thinking, protect the honour of young ladies in distress, not care for consequence, not be a coward.
This Christmas, old Saint Nick, I would like my mind back.
x
Saturday, 8 December 2007
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